Waiting for the Web-Slinger

The year: 2002. Whether you took a DeLorean, a telephone booth, traveled nude through some eletric globe, or simply clicked on a link, you're here. I am a mere 15 years old, a freshman in high school. My mother is home-schooling my sisters, Emily and Ann, and myself downstairs at our home in Newnan, Georgia. I dance about 4-5 days a week at our ballet studio in Fayetteville, Georgia. I always shut myself in my room for hours, writing inane stories that I am convinced are going to be the next blockbuster. When I decide to grace others with my presence, I may join Emily and our ballet friends to watch whatever movie we are obsessed with at the time (Bring it On, Charlie's Angels, The Emperor's New Groove, etc...). Life is great.

I also have a HUGE crush on Ms. Kirsten Dunst. Right now she is mostly known (to me anyway) for her perky turns in teeny-bopper flicks such as Bring it On, Drop Dead Gorgeous, and Dick, but I have been a fan ever since Jumanji in 1995. I don't have a reason. Maybe her perkiness appeals to me. I'm getting off subject. I adore her. That is all.

I saw a preview sometime last fall for her latest movie, Spider-Man. Now, of course I am going to see this movie. My crush is in it! I know who Spider-Man is. Who doesn't? But I've never read any of the comic books, nor have I watched the old cartoons or the live-action 70s TV show. Tobey MacGuire looks all geeked up, and I'm a geek myself, so who knows? Maybe I'll relate to his plight. But I'm going to see my girl. Heeey, Kiki!

Today is Friday, May 3. My youngest sister, Ann, just celebrated her 7th birthday. Okay, that's exciting. No one is happier than I am that you still can't drive. There are just more pressing matters at hand. When do I get to see Spider-Man?!

Mom just informed me we're going up to Lenox to shop for Ann, i.e. so Emily can get cute new clothes. Yay, can we please go to the mall? It's only my favorite pasttime ever. Not. I think I'll stay here and write the day away. Oh, I have to come too? Or not.

The car ride from Newnan is fun. I may have vaguely hinted that Phipps Plaza is not even a 5 minute drive from Lenox AND it still has a movie theater. My family is too busy laughing at young Ann singing along to Cake's "Comfort Eagle." Note to self: speak up.

Lenox is equally exhilarating. All of these clothing stores look the same to me. Emily keeps suggesting I get new clothes. Um, no. I'm fine with looking like a total dweeb. This mall needs a video store. What time is it? Noon. Why hasn't Emily... Oh, there she goes. We better get some food. Pronto. I am NOT putting up with "Grumpy Gus." I'm glad I can think all this without showing any facial expression at all. What's the word for it? It was on my vocab list. Umm... Complacent! Yeah, that's what I am... Not for much longer though.

Lunchtime. Dad just bought today's paper. What for? I mean, I'm content. I have my Taco Bell. Three soft tacos with no lettuce. I'm a simple guy. But why is Dad looking through the paper? What did Emily just ask? Can we get cookies after this? I mean, I wouldn't mind one, but they're at the other end of the mall. Do I want one that badly? The answer is no. I just want to see my future girlfriend repeatedly finding herself in precarious situations and having to be rescued by some guy in spandex. That's all I want. But I don't speak my opinion, and now Ann wants a cookie too. Note to self: be more opinionated.

Okay, we all have our Great American cookies. They're delicious. And we're leaving? YAY!!! I mean... yay. Perhaps some Billy Joel on the way home? Yes, please! Buuut Dad isn't playing any music. Are we going to have a family talk? No, thank you. Annnd the interstate is the other way. Could we... No... Are we... turning into Phipps?!? Okay, Joseph, try to contain your excitement. There is a really good bookstore here. You can amuse yourself there. Wait... Okay, we just passed the bookstore, and I see the theater. This is all happening so fast! Dad just bought five tickets for Spider-Man. Or did he? Is it September? Last time I checked it was still May, and we're celebrating Ann's birthday. Not mine. I can't believe this is happening!

Opening credits. I'm already sucked in. The score is nothing short of amazing. And there's my wife's name! Hey, honey, how are you? I'll call after the movie is over. There may be some judging but mostly fawning over your awesomeness. What am I doing? This is a movie. I'll get back to you later.

The Best Movie Ever is over. I'm still glued to my seat. I can barely hear Emily whining about how stupid the movie's ending is. But I totally understand why Peter couldn't be with Mary Jane. Mostly because she's mine but also because he couldn't bear to continuously place her in danger's hand. It makes complete sense. Emily needs to quit complaining. She's only 12. What does she know?

I'm silent on the way home. I know for a fact this movie has changed something inside me. My life is rocked upside down. All I want to do is write. Write, write, write... Mostly about saving Kirsten Dunst. That girl is always getting herself into trouble. I also know I want a tattoo of a spider. As much as I hate spiders, there's just something about this movie... the character of Peter Parker. AHHH! Peter! You have nooo idea how much I relate to you. Well, minus getting bitten by a radioactive spider and that whole Uncle Ben thing, I know exactly how you feel. Getting picked on at school, pining over a girl you can't have... Sure, it may sound superficial, but us geeks gotta stick together. You're my new best friend.

I've gotta see this movie again as soon as possible. And I will. Once Spider-Man has finished its run in theaters, I will have seen it a total of four times. Mom and Emily won't come again, but Ann will see it once more, and Dad and I will share the next two viewings and afterward discuss the movie's strengths and weaknesses. As if it has any weaknesses. It is perfection. All you naysayers can say what you will. Of course other movies are better. They'll have better directors, better actors, better writing, better pacing, better editing, etc. But despite all this, no movie will EVER replace such a film so amazingly close to my heart. What movie is this? It's Spider-Man.